Recently I read a book called The Top Five Regrets Of The Dying by Bronnie Ware. Bronnie is an Australian nurse who has spent many years caring for patients in the last 12 weeks of their lives.
She originally kept a blog recording their dying epiphanies, then following the popularity of this blog, she ended up writing a book that detailed the top 5 regrets of the dying from these epiphanies.
In this article, I want to present the 5 regrets of the dying and how you can learn from these ‘end of life’ epiphanies.
Regret #1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me
According to Bronnie, “This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams ahve gone unfulfilled.”
The eye-opening thing to note is that most people that Bronnie observed had not even honoured even half of their dreams, and had to die knowing that they could have acheived these if it were not for choices they had regretted making.
The thing is, when we are healthy, we have enormous freedom and time that very few people can properly appreciate, until we no longer have it.
Letting your life meander on, or putting more emphasis on achieving others’ expectations of you could mean sacrificing your dreams, and your destiny that you were meant to fulfil.
Regret #2. I wish I hadn’t worked so hard
“This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship.”
Bearing in mind that most of the patients that Bronnie nursed were from an older generation where the breadwinners were often males, women who did work also spoke of this regret.
Being a father of 2 now, and having a wife that I love so much, I can see how this can easily happen.
Kids grow up very fast, and when you are trying to save for many different things (the next house, children’s schooling, etc), it’s easy to find yourself putting aside family time in favor of getting things done at work.
Personally I’m very thankful for what my business has brought me in terms of the freedom to be able to spend more time with my kids, go on vacations and so forth. I don’t know where I’d be if I was trapped in a job that I didn’t like, having to work overtime hours trying to make ends meet for the family.
That is unfortunately the way of life for many people and it can be challenging to move outside of this.
Just remember though… The time for happiness is (and always was) NOW.
You can put a price on a house, on food, on education, but you can’t put a price on time missed with your partner, your children and other loved ones.
Always find time. Some way. Some how.
Don’t let work/family life fall out of balance.
Regret #3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings
“Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.”
You were put on this earth for a reason, and if you don’t live true to yourself and speak up for yourself, then while you mean to keep peace, most of the time you’ll actually be stunting the growth of your relationships with yourself and with others.
Regret #4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends
“Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.”
I don’t necessarily advocate living every day as if it were your last, but make sure that from time to time, you look at your life and ask yourself the question, if I were to die tomorrow … have I been spending as much time with my family and friends as I should have, or would there be regrets?
Several different research studies have proven that the number one factor contributing to human happiness is the strength of your close friendships.
There have been many studies that back up what I’ve been saying about the importance of strong social connections on human health and wellbeing. For instance, in 2007, the American Journal of Public Health published the results of a survey of 24,000 workers. Their results showed that the men and women with the weakest social ties were the most likely to suffer from major depressive symptoms.
It doesn’t seem to matter whether you have one or more close friendships, what matters is the strength of the connections that you do form with friends and relatives and how often you spend time cooperating in activities and sharing your personal feelings with them.
Just to reiterate, it’s not the quantity of your interpersonal relationships, it’s the quality that counts.
Regret #5. I wish I had let myself be happier
“This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realize until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.”
If you have any trouble being happy right NOW, then it’s time you started preparing a gratitude journal. Every day write down 3 things about the world and/or your life that you are grateful for. It might be your spouse, it might be the fact that you have 2 legs, there are many obvious and less obvious things in this world to be grateful for, and when you bring them to your conscious attention on a daily basis, you’ll find yourself immensely happier as a result.
If you think that you are not living according to what you want with your life, then NOW is the time to change for the better. Ask yourself what you want so that you can finally start enjoying your life.
Remember that we are given one chance to live out our destiny and to make a difference to the world.
It’s your life, and how it plays out is a direct function of the choices that YOU make.
Choose to be true to yourself, work hard in a profession that you are passionate about, but DON’T let your life become a treadmill of ‘work’ – especially not in a career that you were not destined for, choose to spend more time with your family and friends, choose to express your feelings, choose to be happy… NOW.
I hope you enjoyed this article, I’m looking forward to your comments below.
Also if you wish to get yourself a copy of this brilliant book, here’s a link: The top 5 regrets of the dying
CoFounder of Amazing Self
30 thoughts on “Top 5 regrets of the Dying”
Nice thoughts…..yes, sometimes we are so stuck up living in conformity of the society that we forgot to be true to our self…sometimes being selfless we forgot that we have a self to nurture… let us strive to make our life worth living.
I am stunnend,all these wishes are mine, the reality, of my life, is that I have allowed people to put me in a box, now I am 53 and death looks more inviting than living as I am now. But yet what she wrotes, makes me think, the secret is how do I come out from that box that I am now formed in, to become who I must be. Because I don’t know the real me anymore?? any help?
The first regret resonated with me so profoundly, i am so glad i got to read this article today. THANK YOU! I just ended at 8 year marriage because i did it to begin with for societal acceptance. WHY is what others expect so much more important to us than what we want for ourselves? THANK YOU!
…..” for Yesterday is but a Dream and Tomorrow is only a Vision…but Today Well Lived.. Makes Every Yesterday a Dream of Happiness, and Every Tomorrow a Vision of Hope, …Look Well, Therefore,To This Day………..”
Thanks for sharing thus article. It did give me something to think about, and the 3 things I am grateful for daily is helpful to me.
This is a great piece and carries a heavy message for all man-kind especially for professionals who keep roving the planet in search for a living, which is partial in nature….but balancing family and profession are key to all.
This is so true. I recently realised I was in a toxic relationship defined by my partners’ immovable demands of what and who I should be, the job I should aspire to and the way I should talk and behave in company. It was killing me inside without me knowing it because it wasn’t how I am or really want to be. Despite having two young children I decided to end 21 years of marriage and become ME, not someone else’s vision of ‘Their Husband’. I am happier, busier, less tired and have landed the job of my dreams that I would never have contemplated applying for previously, giving me a fourfold increase in salary and international travel too. Henry van Dyke said; “After all, the surest way to be artificial is to try to be natural according to some other man’s recipe.”
Be yourself, be the best ‘you’ that you can be, your heart will soar.
What you have said is so true, the thought of looking back on my life at the end of it and having so many regrets is to depressing for words. I am doing my best to make sure that it does not happen!
Fear of one sort or another prevents people doing what they would really like to do, and in the end one realizes it was all an illusion and that their whole life has been wasted and all the opportunities have gone..game over.
very inspiring.Thank you vm.
This is so true and the reminder I need right now will share this with my friends and family.
” Wow, very inspired topic to stand still and think about it!” I’m gonna just thise information to my self, to give my life more meaning ful and much more attractive life future. So again the storries are very interessting and to practise. Thanks for the information.
So very true.
Awesome. I often ask older people for thier best piece of advice. More often than not, they tell me to travel the world. So travel the world I shall…! 🙂
Having just gone through a dangerous heart operation last week, and really thought about death, your words are wonderful and a timely reminder of what really matters in life…thank you for writing it so beautifully
Thanks for the valuable points. I do believe that they will help improve one’s life before it is too late. There is still however one thing that is missing and that might be claming down for those who missed parts of their lifes, namely the belief of the second life after death which is the place where any shortcomings and sufferings one experieced in this life , will be compensated. Of course this is the case for those who are well accepted then by GOD. With this I am not calling for laziness or for becoming careless about improving the quality of one’s life, but to the contrary. As i said I do believe in what you gave above as tips for a good life, but after doing all possible actions to improve and things came against what one wanted then the bilefe of the second eternal chance will be a relief for the souls that suffered in this first stage.
May God help us all to spread the advise and knowledge that will make the life of others as they were intended to be by their creator.
No comments other than the above
It’s good to read this. It’s a reminder of what I already know and I have difficulty keeping in mind.
Me, personally, would be happier if I didn’t didn’t have frequent contacts with some evil people. Envious people particularly threaten me.
What a load of crap .. totally out of logic ..
the dying wish for forgiveness … and peace .and some are grateful it is over
Gave me quite a stir when I saw the authors name.
So close to my deceased brothers name. (Ronnie Ware).
@Salah Remember this article isn’t about what they ‘should’ have been thinking, it’s simply a list of what those regrets were based on Bronnie’s research. I totally understand and agree where you are coming from, though remember though this article didn’t touch on what their beliefs were about the next life, it was focused on what their regrets happened to be, so that we may learn from them.
I like this top 5 regrets of the dying. The theme resembles what I could call the “regrets of the living in regard to the dead”. TOP AMONGST THE REGRETS WE HAVE AFTER A LOVED ONE HAS PASSED ON IS THE TORTURE OF KNOWING WE FAILED TO CREATE TIME TO LET THEM KNOW WHILST THEY COULD STILL HEAR, THE THINGS AND READINGS, AND FLOWERS THAT WE ARE OFTEN ANXIOUS TO TELL TO AN UNHEARING TOMBSTONE.
Quite reflective and inspiring article. Also it is a good lesson to learn from others’ experiences. Surely reading it has left me thinking hard about my own personal life.
Great course, loved it
You are dreaming the imposable dream ,
We all know what we should have done , but being a realist you must be day dreaming to think what you say as a reality . I could have been a multi millionaire buy now and I am 85 years old .
You get NOTHING unless you work for it .
Also can you foresee what will happen tomorrow ?
sorry I could not say any thing because my husband has died 20 june 2014 he has 61 years old every month I do a prayer for him thank
For the person who just had heart surgery get a book titles left for dead about failed heart surgery and how baby boomers are searching out natural cures because of our stragley health care..And for regrets see the movie Bucket List of things to do before the final curtain..I;m told 75 percent of medication in our house can kill us..Vioox was one that killed a bunch before it was taken off the market..FDA approval go to the company with most money…